My Facebook Thoughts

Friday, October 31, 2008


Last night I had to get a blood test and CT Scan of my kidneys. Not a big deal. It's just that my kidneys are like maracas full of stones. The tests will help see how I can best treat my reoccurring stones.

I don't enjoy having my blood drawn. Not that I'm afraid of needles, I'm not. Or that it is very painful, it isn't. The thing is I have shy veins. Whenever a phlebotomist enters the room my veins go into hiding. This means they have to repeatedly slap my arm or hand to try and find a blood vessel. Then when they feel a vein, with the reflexes of Tom Hanks spearfishing in the movie Castaway, they poke into my flesh. The record number is eight pokes.

I know I have blood. I can generate a leak of hemoglobin in a variety of ways. Paper cut, piece of cake. Shaving, how much do you need? The oddest way I can draw a gusher is with a Q-Tip in my ear. I'm not kidding. A trained medical professional can jab a piece of sharp steel into my body a cause no bleeding, but if the Q-Tip hits a certain part of my ear there will be blood.

Imagine that, one of the most unassuming objects in the house causing the carnage of a Friday The 13th movie. That makes the Q-Tip a perfect weapon. Maybe airports should screen passengers for the deadly cotton tipped stick of death. Or maybe we should be dropping these from fighter jets into Iran and Afghanistan.

With Bin Laden hiding like a scurvy rat in caves I'm sure he has tons of dirt and wax in his ears. Imagine he picks up the harmless looking hygiene implement. He begins to swab gently, while being careful not to enter the ear canal. Then, SLASH! The a-hole of Arabia is spurting his devil blessed fluids and is soon out for the count. His butt kissing Al-Kduh followers are so distraught by his death they all start cleaning their ears, where they all succumb the same ending. The world is then free of these morons. The U.S. saves billions of dollars no longer fighting them. Dick Cheney goes insane trying to invent new enemies for the U.S. He is carted off yelling,
"Beware of Rhode Island, Beware!"
All the extra money is used to pay off the national debt. With no more debt the U.S. funds the best educational system ever imagined. Those students go one to solve all the world's problems.

All because of a Q-Tip. Could happen.


Scott Ploch said...

A Q-tip drawing blood in your ear can't be a good thing.

Scott Ploch said...

After reading this again, I'm wondering if a kidney stone went your brain

Mark Ploch said...

Kidney stone in MY brain. Your the one who read this blog twice.

Scott Ploch said...

I had to read it twice because it is so out there. I had to confirm what I was reading.